Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Fighting that “less than” feeling

I’m sitting at my 10 year old laptop that has been resuscitated multiple times. It’s janky, it’s dying, it’s slow…

My son is in the living room with his friend. He’s an only child with two highly (my impression) educated parents. They seem wealthy, at least to me.  I’ve been trying to bang out sale & coupon lists for the past 3 hours to buy groceries. The house really is depleted at this point. There’s some yogurt, oats and some limp celery. Oh, and plenty of condiments...but not much of anything to make any sort of a meal. 
My offering for lunch today was “tortilla pizzas” or bean burritos… 

I picture friend’s house. Snacks & food galore...and not just your run of the mill chips & soda. No, healthy AND tasty snacks from Whole Foods (that cost 4x the snacks I buy). Dinners of organic, grass-fed, pastured beef and dairy.  Free-range, organic chicken. Organic, organic, organic.

I had coffee with friend’s mom a couple years ago. They had recently moved to the area from Canada; a job transfer, I think. Our boys met at school, and at the time we lived even closer. It was clear after a few minutes of talking that this would be a pleasant, but one-time-only meeting. She has a career, I stay home. She has a formal education, I do not. There were other things too. Things I can’t really put my finger on, but where I knew she wasn’t really looking for friends, but socio-economic-right-side-of-the-tracks-equal-education peers. 

I try to really self-evaluate. Am I feeling less than, because I’m feeling less-than?  Or am I feeling the less-than snubbing pressure someone is trying to impose on me? (and caving)  This was the latter.  

Regardless, our boys are still friends and when they aren’t online together, they like to hang out in person.
I have to just tell myself not to take it. Not to take the less-than feeling. I mean what is that?  I have plenty of friends who are educated and have careers who don’t snub me or others for not having that degree. The difference? They care to know me. They see me. Not me through my accomplishments, not me for what I can do for them, but me. It’s times like today that I need to be grateful. I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but be grateful for all the things I do have, and even more importantly,  grateful for WHO I have. 

5 & 5
Laments:
1. That I have to clip coupons.
2. That I can’t hire someone to fix & do all the stuff that needs fixing & doing around here.
3. It’s hot
4. We are going camping...I don’t want to go camping. I want to go to a resort or a hotel with restaurants and sand and not dirt.
5. My laptop sucks.

Gratitudes:
1. We have money for a home, for food and for gas.
2. Overall, I am healthy & physically capable.
3. We have working fans in the house. 
4. I don’t have to sleep in a tent.
6. There’s ice cream in the freezer. 

Saturday, June 21, 2014

5 & 5

Short & sweet today

Laments:
1. I hate exercise
2. Daughter barely home & back to disagreeing with me on stupid things. (Why are you eating in my seat? I don't usually-I usually sit there. Not true, as says the mess she leaves behind.
3, awkward reminder as I picked up the youngest from a bday party, that as nice as those mom ladies were, they were never my fiends.
4. Frisked technology that doesn't work. 



Gratitudes:
1. I got to have coffee with Dina
2. Got in a good workout
3. I'm keeping up with the summer challenge
4. Watching Breaking Bad w/another son
5. Great weather today. It was pretty warm, but breezy. 
Bonus: I had multiple opportunities to be bitchy & annoyed today,  but instead I chose to be gracious. What a great feeling!

Friday, June 20, 2014

5 & 5

Today was a bit rough. It ended up ok. Maybe I'll post the story.
For tonight though...the 5 & 5.

Laments
1. My mother is frustrating
2. My energy is lacking
3. I blew up and yelled like a 5 year old today
4. My heels & toes crack something fierce. no matter what!
5. My tailbone still gives me pain after oh so many years

Gratitudes
1. I haven't given up on the workout Challenge
2. I apologized and my son graciously forgave my tantrum
3. Xanax
4. Fun with family geocaching
5. I got to watch Fargo

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Starting the 5 & 5 again

Going through patches of awfulness while parenting an adult child...

Laments:
1. It feels like I will never have time alone again. For this introvert, not getting to recharge sucks royally. Now I have 2 graduated from High school and those college schedules are all over the board.
2. Summer will be mostly held hostage by the consequences of Kitten's actions.
3. Feeling pretty lonely lately.  One of my best friends moved far away. It's for all the right, wonderful reasons, to be close to her grandkids. But I miss her. I wasn't really letting myself feel it until she actually left.  Now I'm feeling it. A lot.
4. I had four other friends cancel on me with plans this week.  Just feeling dogged.
5. I'm still freaking fat!

Gratitudes:
1. I and my family are healthy
2. As much as it sucks, we were diligent to save our tax return, and at least have the money to build a room for Tiger.
3. I washed the drapes in 2 rooms.  The house smells fresh and the dust is gone!
4. I am loving my Bullet Journal system.
5. I do have friends I can reach out to for prayer & support.

night night

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Perspective

Kitten was in a car accident yesterday. She was turning left on an unprotected green. The car is most likely totaled.

BUT MY KIDS ARE OK. I get that. and then, I settle in and think what the heck. We can't afford another car. We can't afford to get it fixed. We can't afford the insurance hike if we were to make a claim.


We try so hard to be responsible with our money and sometimes I feel like - for what. We scraped up enough to buy this great deal of a car so we could have 2 cars... to buy it, to register it, to insure it, for what? for 9 months?


A friend of mine sent this link to this song



I know the Lord loves me. And there are SO MANY what if's... IF Kitten had been a few feet farther, the other driver would have t-boned right into Tiger. IF there had been a pedestrian....etc. I am truly thankful that no one was hurt. and then I just don't get it...


Laments:

1. Can't afford a new car

2. Can't afford to fix the car

3. Can't afford our insurance to go up even if we were to make a claim

4. There's a huge additional load put back on me as far as driving. Not just school, I actually like that...but everything. Anything she wants to do. And the year long theatre commitment she & Tiger are in with late night rehearsals & performances...

5. I feel pretty alone at church. A lot of it is me, I know that. On the other hand, people don't know how to keep confidences, and I'm not willing to risk loose lips with my personal stuff.



Gratitudes:

1. Kitten is ok

2. Tiger is ok

3. No one else was hurt in the accident

4. Hubby was home so I didn't have to go take care of this alone

5. We had a fun family day today for the last day of summer vacation. We took a bike ride to a great park, payed in a creek (well, the boys did), rode back, had dinner in the park we started the ride from.


I love my family