Joyful Mayhem

Perspective

2011-08-14T21:42:00.000-07:00

Kitten was in a car accident yesterday. She was turning left on an unprotected green. The car is most likely totaled.

BUT MY KIDS ARE OK. I get that. and then, I settle in and think what the heck. We can't afford another car. We can't afford to get it fixed. We can't afford the insurance hike if we were to make a claim.

We try so hard to be responsible with our money and sometimes I feel like - for what. We scraped up enough to buy this great deal of a car so we could have 2 cars... to buy it, to register it, to insure it, for what? for 9 months?

A friend of mine sent this link to this song

I know the Lord loves me. And there are SO MANY what if's... IF Kitten had been a few feet farther, the other driver would have t-boned right into Tiger. IF there had been a pedestrian....etc. I am truly thankful that no one was hurt. and then I just don't get it...

Laments:

1. Can't afford a new car

2. Can't afford to fix the car

3. Can't afford our insurance to go up even if we were to make a claim

4. There's a huge additional load put back on me as far as driving. Not just school, I actually like that...but everything. Anything she wants to do. And the year long theatre commitment she & Tiger are in with late night rehearsals & performances...

5. I feel pretty alone at church. A lot of it is me, I know that. On the other hand, people don't know how to keep confidences, and I'm not willing to risk loose lips with my personal stuff.

Gratitudes:

1. Kitten is ok

2. Tiger is ok

3. No one else was hurt in the accident

4. Hubby was home so I didn't have to go take care of this alone

5. We had a fun family day today for the last day of summer vacation. We took a bike ride to a great park, payed in a creek (well, the boys did), rode back, had dinner in the park we started the ride from.

I love my family

Weekend 5&5

2011-08-08T10:08:00.000-07:00

Boy are my titles creative, no?

We just came home from a great long weekend away as a family. We've had such a busy summer and it was so different from my expectations coming into it. (have I griped about this already?) Suffice it to say, the 4 nights away were what we all needed. But coming home to reality sucks whether it's just an over night trip, or 10 days...

Laments:

1, 2 & 3. I came home to find a $250 bill from the lab I took kitten to before we left. All the kids had physicals, and vaccine updates. Kitten has complained of being tired & having headaches, and since I have a gluten allergy/intolerance/whatever I asked for her to be tested for Celiac. The Dr. said she'd also test her thyroid & I thought she said iron. I figured that meant all the usual stuff.

1. Was I surprised to some home and read the lab description: Chlamydia!! Um - no way am I paying for that. Either a) the Dr. ordered that without my consent and since kitten is not sexually active she's not going to have a STD or b) when the lab tech rewrote the lab paper he misunderstood Celiac to be Chlamydia. Either way, someone else is paying for that!

2. The lab paperwork stated that our insurance denied payment saying the patient was not an eligible member at time of service. UH! Then I opened the insurance benefit explanation to read the same thing! UH!

3. Now I need to call out insurance broker and figure all this crap out.

4. Something is going on and I am feeling incredibly hormonal/emotional/wigged out. I am so sick of my bodily chemicals betraying me.

5. I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the stuff to do before school starts.

Gratitudes: (I thought I should end on the positive)

1. For the beautiful camping trip on a nice lake with beautiful weather and minimal bugs!

2. Healthy kids

3. For the moment, technology here seems to be working

4. We came home to a secure house. No theft, fire, etc.

5. Coffee

THIS JUST IN! Ok...so I called the insurance broker who was disgusted at the insurance company. She asked me to fax in the paperwork & she would take care of it (YAY!)

When I called the Dr. office and looked again at the date - this was not the bloodwork lab stuff. This was on the urine culture the Dr. took for what I assumed was to check iron levels like my boys - NOT to check for STD. I will not be paying for that. I'm waiting to hear back from their office. pfff

Ms. Inconsistent

2011-07-22T00:55:00.001-07:00

Ya see? Ahh, oh well. I have been consumed with technology failing me left and right. And it's one thing that leads to another that leads to another and then none of them are working. Add to that a house full of kids who are not in school and my time is not my own. But, I press on for the 5 & 5 for today.

Gratitude:
1. I love everything David Lebovitz writes. Recipes, memoirs, tweets...
2. Good friends
3. That I live in California
4. Forgiveness & whomever is bestowing it.
5. Spiders who eat bugs

Laments:
1. Oh why do I utterly hate to exercise!
2. Technology that doesn't work!!!!!!!
3. How bad I am to myself & don't get the sleep I need.
4. People who let the screen door SLAM!
5. Having to take medication...and it makes my balance wonky. (hello doorjamb)

5&5

2011-06-24T00:03:00.001-07:00

Are we having fun yet?

Laments:

1. AT&T...phone, internet, wireless. I hate them. We dumped DSL, downgraded the home phone as cheap as we could, and I have 1 year left on my wireless. We've been paying for the top tier of DSL. It was never stellar, but I hate calling on that stuff. Finally it was SO bad that I called. Guy #1 came out to "fix" it. (mind you I had to commit to a 12 hour window. 12! 8am-8pm) He said nothing was wrong, and for the rest of that afternoon, it was faster. (plus he came before 5pm!) Then it slowed again. I called again, and a week later (same 12 hour window) another tech came. He did a bunch more, found some problems, blah, blah, blah...and "fixed" it. That was Saturday. DSL worked about a day and then slowed to a crawl - PLUS our phone was out. I won't go into the phone calls and the people I talked to who blatantly lied to me, but another tech came out today. He replaced a jack and now all is well. Seems as though the last DSL tech who was here (and "fixed things on the line") may have actually fried the jack. grrrr

2. June bugs They rank up there with ants for me.

3. Amongst other things, Target has raised the price of my beloved Chewy SweetTarts by .25!

4. The antique stove we have on CraigsList just isn't selling :/

5. My driveway - it's gravel and lame

Gratitudes:

1. our home phone now works!

2. The janky stove we bought refurbished 2 yrs. ago did sell! When we put the house up for sale, I wanted to take our O'Keefe & Merritt stove. We bought another gas stove to replace it. When we decided not to sell, and rain came, we brought the vintage stove inside (but it wasn't hooked up). Now all is well with the vintage stove and so I sold the other one.

3. I also sold Tiger's DSi. No dickering, no drama, no flake. So nice!

4. Had a fun date with hubby. We went shopping (blech) but it was fun together and he got some desperately needed new clothes.

5. MILDEW was here and therefore, laundry is folded.

Wed. 5&5

2011-06-22T22:34:00.001-07:00

Oh so much to say...so tired to write

Laments:

1. Technology Hell. AT&T owes me time back on my life.
2. Kitten's mood lately. I feel so distant from her.
3. No matter how much I tend to my feet with loofah, files and heavy cream, my heels crack & the balls/big toes of my feet are rough as sandpaper. Damn that love for barefootedness
4. My hair is behaving badly
5. My mother comments inappropriately on my Facebook stuff.

Gratitudes:

1. Monkey was particularly lovey & snuggly tonight.
2. I'm getting to bed before 11.
3. The weather has cooled a bit.
4. The library system is a great thing.
5. My mother in law is not on Facebook.

5&5

2011-06-22T02:28:00.001-07:00

Laments:
1. H O T
2. I feel pretty hopeless about my in-law situation.
3. That I can be so damn critical.
4.I seriously think a friend of mine might have a hoarding issue :/
5. Miss Pretty Pretty, my MacBook, is acting funny.

Gratitudes:
1. I had a fun day with James today.
2. We have food & are far from starving
3. I have a/c in my bedroom
4. I get to sleep in tomorrow...well, today
5. I just bought a new cookbook that I had checked out from the library. I already made the lemon frozen yogurt and boy was it amazing!

Nighty night.

5 & 5 is back

2011-06-20T12:23:00.000-07:00

I've made notes to myself over & over about how I need/want to get back to the 5&5 that I originally wrote when I started blogging. I love writing, and want to blog regularly - but it seems at the end of the day I am just so depleted of energy, that it gets pushed off with the other things I am procrastinating. So for now, I think I'll try to concentrate on the 5&5, and if and when I am so moved to write more, I will :)

Laments:

1. I am so worn out, fed up and overwhelmed with the impact that having Bipolar Disorder has on me & my family (because yes, they carry the burden too)

2. I've gained at least 15# back of the 55# I've lost. (ok "lost" is such a lame term. I didn't lost it, with great effort, I pushed that shit off my body) I am also overwhelmed with the constant, daily, minute-by-minute struggle/battle/obsession with weight & food.

3. The hubby & I have plans to get away this weekend. This isn't so much of a romantic getaway, but it's meant for planning/strategizing/budgeting for the next year. We just found out that there's a memorial planned for that day. This is for a man who was the patriarch of a family that my family has been friends with for many years, and was the father of hubby's boss of 15 years before he started is own business. It's one of those complicated, intricate family/business relationships that you just really "should" go to.

4. I miss my kids. This summer is weird. Kitten & Tiger are at an all day theatre conservatory that lasts until mid-July. And Monkey was fortunate enough to be invited to participate in a camp that a FUN & wonderful friend of ours is running. She had an extra spot and invited him to come play all day. So it's me & Penguin together which is fine...it's just weird. I miss the days of the past 2 summers going places together.

5. I loathe bearing the burden of the family budget/bills, etc. I actually enjoy doing it, but because we deal in mostly cash & some debit, it can be a pain in the ass moving money around.

Gratitudes:

1. I am thankful that even though hubby still doesn't receive a full paycheck, it is more than unemployment paid last year and that we have some money to move around.

2. By and large, i do have meds that are mostly effective

3. As janky or quirky as they may be, for now we have two working vehicles.

4. I am a resourceful person and that goes a long way with our limited resources. I'm also (hopefully) teaching our kids to be wise & resourceful.

5. Getting some 1 on 1 time with Penguin. Up for today at his request; a sewing lesson.

Lottery

2011-02-01T20:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I question my sanity. I mean, not because of the whole bipolar thing, but because of the things that can piss me off so quickly or bring me such happiness.

We live in a permit parking area. Our neighborhood is adjacent to a sports/event arena, so to keep all those Disney on Ice and Lady Gaga patrons from parking in our neighborhood, we are issued stickers and visitor tags. (want to see a Sharks game and park for ~~free?~~ $10?)

Every other year, we need to apply for permit renewals. You need your application, copies of car registrations, i.d. and proof of residency (utility bill or even your registration) Stickers and hanging guest tags are in sequential order and are given out first come, first serve. Because ours were a part of what the city did to placate the homeowners so they could build their precious "shark tank".

Each year, I mail our application in and wonder what numbers we'll get. I've been in the hundreds before. Last year I slacked on making copies and as a result we were in the 200's. I received the renewal on Saturday. (as a frustrating aside, I was JUST there on FRIDAY getting a new sticker for another car.) Anyhow, I slacked over the weekend but they wouldn't process anything until Feb. 1 anyhow. I gathered everything together to drop at the P.O. this morning.

NO! I decided I would go down in PERSON! I went to City Hall after volunteering in my son's class. (and applying copious amounts of hand sanitizer followed with vigorous hand washing - those cute little people are germ factories!)

My paperwork was checked, and all was in order.

My permits were issued.

0004, 0005, 0006?!?!

Who was the overachiever who got there the 2 open hours before me? My stickers are 4,5 and 6, but at least my hanging tags are 0003 & 0004. :)

I left with a happy feeling both at scoring such low numbered permits (in a game against myself), but also enjoying my nerd-dom at said game. I couldn't get the cheesy grin off my face, it was like I had won the lottery or something. Well, maybe a $5 scratcher, but you get the point.

Two more years...two more years...

and I shall be NUMBER 0001!!!!

Invisible

2011-01-24T18:41:00.000-08:00

I really don't want to play victim. I also seem to have shit happen to me all the time.

I can't figure out how to reconcile the two.

I have been feeling particularly invisible lately. It's sort of a recurring theme. I don't know if it's because my tolerance is down & irritability is up, or if it's happening more or what, but I'm sort of at the breaking point.

I backed WAY off facebook...just to see if anyone would notice. (I held off singing the "Everybody hates me, Nobody likes me, I think I'll go eat some worms" song for now.) It took 3 weeks before anyone noticed, or at least said anything to me. I had a couple people leave me messages, but only one person was even someone I'd consider a friend vs. a "facebook friend". It's just sort of telling I guess.

The one friend that commented said that she fbooked for herself. I agree somewhat. I mean, I think we all do. But isn't that the point of facebook? to "connect" even on a limited, narcissistic, techno level? But I will also say that if I let loose with a little honesty, it's the people I'm closest to that are the first to chastise me for what I've said.

I have held back so much - even this blog. I keep it anonymous, not as much for me, but because I want to feel like I am able to be completely honest without hurting others. Honest doesn't necessarily mean I want to be mean, but sometimes it may come off that way. But it's my truth. How things make me feel without having to tiptoe around others.

Here's a great example. My mom is divorced. (I can hear the universal gasp at such a novel and shocking revelation) From what I know (and it's not a lot) she married young, he was an alcoholic and abusive and she finally left him. But the way it was put to me, was that she stayed with him, but vowed that if he ever hurt me, or became a threat to me, then she would leave. This sounds valiant on one level, but it was clear when it came up, that it was my fault she became a divorcée. I remember asking her a couple of times about him. Her posture would stiffen, as would her face and mouth. She would dole out very little information, and more than answered questions about who I was, the message that came across loud & clear was that I should not be asking such things. That I was causing her great pain and suffering by even bringing it up.

This all leads to a whole slew of things not to breathe a word about. I mean I have a sister, but when I've had people casually mention how we don't look alike, or when conversations of my heritage come up, well, we just don't talk about such things.

I decided not to lie or be secretive with my kids though. I mean, my mom's shame is hers to carry around and I'm trying to to help her schlep it any longer. I want to be sensitive, but honest. I can't remember how it first came up, but kitten asked or said something to which the answer was that Papa wasn't my birth dad. Shocking, yes, but I answered what she asked very nonchalant. No shame. For heaven't sake, I didn't do anything but be born!

Ok, so yes, I've digresses far off topic. But that was a deep vein of an answer to facebook. As far as the invisibility, the thing that set me off tonight was dinner. Dinner I had spent 1 1/2 hours cooking. Meatballs that I haven't had for years because I am allergic to wheat and eat gluten free. (Meatballs have breadcrumbs) I served my husband, and then the kids filled their plates. There were literally (and I mean really & truly literally - not the exaggerated "literally" that is not at all literal but still overused by people as if it were) 8 pieces of spaghetti left for me. (brown rice spaghetti of course). WTF?!? And let me preempt your attempt to make me feel better by reassuring me that they must love my cooking and therefore were filling up. EVERY other time (again - literally every other time) I make a pound of spaghetti and there is plenty left over.

It goes beyond just being careless or rude. This doesn't happen to my husband, or the kids to each other.

It's like I don't exist until someone needs a ride, or the parental control password on the Wii or computer.

So now I'm in my room, writing. Of course once they offered to put stuff back so I could eat, I chose the ever so mature martyr route. This is what I'm talking about. I don't want to play victim, but I am so damn hurt.

Oh yah - well *&!@

2011-01-22T19:19:00.001-08:00

hahaha.. that makes me laugh.

Seriously, I know I can have quite the potty mouth. If I'm being honest, I can have quite the sailor mouth, but I tame it down to potty mouth.

I recently read the following on a tweet from a person I follow. She was a Big Fat Loser contestant and then a trainer I know sent the reply:

Tweet 1: "Ever wish, u could just tell some1 2 smile - shit ain't that bad."

Tweet 2:: "I wish that all the time. If they'd smile they'd feel so much better evn for a minute"

Yes, folks...these are the same people, I'm SURE, that would tell a someone who suffers from depression to "buck up" or "snap out of it" etc. It infuriates me. I don't think they would tell a diabetic to not take their insulin, but instead, "wish real hard to get your numbers up" or "just eat sugar and make your body adjust".

I wanted to reply to them both "F&*# o&&!" but that wouldn't be nice, nor would it do anything to help my case. By and large, people don't get it. Shit, I don't get it. I hate battling depression, irritability and all the other crap bipolar disorder dishes out to me. There are things I can do, and I try to do them, to help stave off a depressive crash, or a manic episode (which in me, now manifests as anxiety & irritability). But, there are also things out of my control, and I just have to ride it out the best I can, keeping damage to those around me at a minimum. Sometimes that means I don't talk much, I withdraw and don't engage. But it doesn't mean I can check out of life and not drop off/pick up kids from school, go grocery shopping, meet with the women I pray with or exercise (which actually helps my symptoms).

And so, if I am doing these things, and in a lousy place, your telling me to "smile!" just makes me feel worse. Don't you think I would rather be "up" and happy and positive and feel like smiling? I think that other people think that I want to be like this, or else I would snap out of it. Bullshit my dears, bullshit.

The last time this actually happened, I was in the mall (I'll save that post for another time) walking alone, minding my own business. I had my plain face on - meaning I wasn't actively posturing my mouth to curve up at the sides, not so much in a smile, but so it wouldn't slightly turn down as it naturally does. A young man with a small group on friends said simply, "smile!" I didn't say anything but continued on. However, it caused me to think of the response I'm dying to use for the next unsuspecting stranger:

"If I weren't grieving having to bury my husband a few days ago, I might"

Now that actually makes me smile!

Procrastination

2011-01-19T14:11:00.000-08:00

Procrastination...distraction. I have it down.

Today I had the whole day to get a few things done. Well, one thing really. And it wouldn't have even taken all of my time.

Now I don't particularly think it's a bad thing to have some down time per se...but when it's instead of the important task at hand. Um yah...

So I've successfully taken care of lots of little unimportant things, and have run the clock out to 15 minutes left. Certainly that's not enough time to work on the budget. Ugh.

When I stopped and realized I was picking the little pieces of paper left behind in the spiral of the spiral notebook, I recognized and admitted my problem. Of course, THAT was the time to again open the computer and blog for the first time in 6 months.

sweet...5 more minutes gone

and now that i found that cool picture...3 more

I choose...

2010-07-08T14:26:00.000-07:00

It's horrible - the thought of what Sophie (as in Sophie's Choice) had to do. Just as horrible? The fact that I sometimes go there in my mind...

Today I choose Tiger. He is being an ASS. He is a bully in his own home and I struggle to find a way to get through to him. I already took his phone and computer away from him last week. But when It comes to crime/punishment and loss of privilege? Usually the things that bring our home and me a shred of peace, are the things he loses. I know why parents let their kids veg out on the computer all day, or play copious amounts of video games. It's easier on the parents. So I don't give into that, and instead cripple myself with feelings of being a horrible mother that is ineffective and cry, cry and cry some more. lame.

dog

2008-10-06T23:12:00.000-07:00

Such a sweet face, and a sweet dog.

Except when other dogs are around.

We picked out Dog from the pound 9 1/2 years ago. We could always remember how old he was because he was about 6 (human) months younger than Penguin.

Even in puppy training, he always wanted to be the boss of the other dogs. But he was still social. I would take him to the dog park, Penguin strapped on me in the sling, and let him play. But he still wanted to be the boss of them.

And somehow he got the notion that our house needed protecting from the strangers & their dogs walking by.

A couple of years ago there was a man walking a pitt bull past our house. Unfortunately, the front door had been left open and Dog bolted out, running straight for the other dog. Being the smart, level-headed cookie that I am, I got in the middle to pull Dog away and back into the house.

This was a wake up call. All the what-if's came into play. What if he bit the dog or owner, what if it had been a kid, what if they sue us...

Praise God nothing happened, except that we pursued a dog trainer who specialized in dog aggressive dogs.

After having her out, and working with Dog ourselves, we certainly saw improvement. He listened better, we knew more about dog posturing, etc. They even opened a boarding facility and we would use them for boarding when we went on vacation. He loves it! He plays, has fun with the other dogs, but he still wants to be the boss of them.

Tiger, Penguin & even Mouse ask to take Dog on walks. I can't let them. Since he is around 70#, he is quite strong. He is also unpredictable since he may see another dog and still wants to be the boss of them.

We have had numerous talks with the kids, even one just last week, about leaving the front door open. Coming home from school (or anywhere for that matter) Dog waits for us to come in and greets us as loyal as ever. Waiting for 4-5 people to make their way in from the driveway, the door often gets left open a crack. I've had to explain over & over how important it is for them to close it all the way. All the "what if's" come out again.

I've had to explain how people will sue. And IF Dog ever went after another dog, the one side is that people can get hurt really, really bad. He has never gone after a person before, but if a person is in the way of him "fighting off" another dog on "his property", there is potential for a lot of harm. Particularly if the person is a child, or an adult walking with a child. The other side is that we could lose everything. The house, the business...

We have talked a lot about it. But nothing prepares you for the real thing.

Tonight, somehow Dog got outside. We were inside having a meeting with some people and Tiger came into the dining room saying someone was at the door for Dad. It was our neighbor.

The story she related to dh was that when she walked her dog past our house, Dog ran up to "attack" her dog. She was screaming and in the process a bunch of neighbors came out.

After dh talked with her and came back inside, we both just knew. That was the final straw. Dog became too much of a liability, not just to us, but potentially to the dogs & their owners outside. We knew we needed to give him away to people who could take care of him, and that could.

I called the woman we had worked with for training/boarding. She said they would take him. Their facility is about a 1/2 hour away, but her business partner was actually in our city and could pick Dog up tonight.

We called the kids to the dining room for a meeting and explained how we had to give him up. You can imagine the tears. Crying, wailing, screaming. It was awful. But it was right.

About 1/2 hour later, Dog's sweet friend came to pick him up. He was so excited because he thought he was going on vacation to go play. And for him - it probably is. He will be in a safe environment with people who love him. The silver lining is that in a couple weeks, they are updating their website with webcams so we will be able to see him, and we can plan visits to go be with him as well.

Our neighbor is ok, as is her dog. He is scared, as is she, but we have done our best to listen to her, validate her feelings, reassure her that Dog is current on his shots (but that if you look closely, you can see he scratched and not bit her) as well as pay for her emergency vet bill.

Tonight pretty much sucked.

Big time~